Have you ever been out on a shoot and found the most annoying person in the county stuck to you for an entire day? Someone who, from the moment you met, made it impossible for you to like them, no matter how civil you were?

I had one such encounter while in the beating line recently. He was new to the shoot, but had been beating and picking-up for a long time. This, it seemed, gave him the right to question everything that was going on down to the expertise of the owners and hard working keepering team who had had a very tough summer.

It’s hard for me to really put into words how irate this buffoon made me feel throughout the day, but nevertheless, I have made the following bullet points to illustrate the various incidents which occurred during the day:

1.
He had a go at Shooting Gazette. Now of course, no-one is perfect, and I took his comments on board with good grace, as I always do when someone has a positive or negative comment to make. It was the fact that this happened within the first 30 seconds of us being introduced that got my goat. He redeemed himself somewhat in the following 45 seconds by offering to lend me a beating stick for the day.

2.
He then had a go at one of the guns, who was wearing plus 4s and Wellington boots. “That looks stupid,” he said. “I suppose at the Gazette you air brush things like that don’t you?” “So, this is your first time on this shoot is it?” I replied.

3.
After the first drive he complained to several people (including the shoot captain) that the cover crop was far to thick for both the beaters and birds to negotiate. Slightly unfair I thought, because although it was thick (that was the point) it was still negotiable if you gave it some muscle with the beating stick.

4.
He then complained about the driving of the shoot captain. Now, as far as I could see, it was indeed a tight fit in the Land Rover, but it was a free ride nevertheless and not that uncomfortable. What made it worse was the fact that he said “doesn’t he realise there are people in the back?” right in the shoot captain’s ear. It must have taken all of the latter’s military disipline not to stop the truck and bail the gentleman out 400 yards short of our destination. Which leads up nicely onto…………

5.
“You should have a step on the tailgate to help people get out you know,” he said, once the Land Rover had stopped. Everyone else in the back of the vehicle got out with no hassle by the way. I was beginning to wonder whether this chap was used to travelling in the very best 4x4s when it occurred to me that he would probably find fault with them as well. Maybe the indictors made a funny noise or something.

6.
He had a very annoying laugh. Think Ricky Gervais as the Wicked Witch of the West. Worse still, he laughed at his own jokes, which weren’t very funny anyway.

7.
Have we really got this far? It was a thought I had myself on the day in between working out ways to tune out this chap’s benign babble - one game I played in my head was trying to name football league clubs whose names begin and end with the same letter (Aston Villa, Liverpool etc. – I think there are four in all).

8.
Possibly the worst one of all.

Picture this. Land Rover drives back to the main yard where the guns and beaters met first thing in the morning.

Beater: “Why have we come back to the meeting point?”
Shoot captain: “We’re going to do the wood here as the last drive.”
Beater: “Is this the last drive then? Thank God!”
Shoot captain: (Silence)
Me (in my head): Don’t say anything, Martin, not a word, someone will say something in a minute, I’m sure.” (Silence continues).


Unsurprisingly, this chap was found on his own in the pub afterwards. Tragically I can still hear his laugh buzzing around my head.

If you have had any similar experiences with annoying shooting companions, or have information on the other names of the football clubs I was trying to work out, why not let us know? As I said, I think there are four in all.

Fortunately, there is only one of him.

Now, as a die-hard football fan, maybe I shouldn't be putting my favourite sport down, but my second favourite out-does it in more than one or two ways.

1.
When you go shooting, you can stand up, cheer your neighbour if they get a right and left and berate them if they are fiendish enough to wipe your eye.
At football matches you are forced to sit down, told that banter is not really the done thing in the modern game and ordered not question foul play.

2.
Halfway through a shoot day you have a filling and delicious lunch.
At most football grounds up and down the country you get cold tea, flat Coca-Cola and what looks like a rat in a bap.

3.
On shoot day you are spaced out along the line.
At the football you have to sit next the same idiot either effing and blinding in front of small children or screaming at the manager to substitute the £3m left back he curiously wanted him to sign in the January transfer window.

4.
If you don't like a shoot you don't have to go again.
At my club they make you feel bad if you don't go again.

5.
There is a sense of traditional throughout shooting.
There isn't a sense of tradition throughout football.


Have I missed any? Do you disagree? If so, get in touch below!

................away, at Holland & Holland.

To find out why, buy the November issue of Shooting Gazette. Out October 28.